The Ides of March ?

There are days when I just feel lost. Somewhat like walking along a beaten path and suddenly straying off it, and then, not finding my way in the darkness. I try to remember my life and the things, times, places and people that made it worth living, that made me feel alive. And somehow, to my great shock and horror, I discover that where there was once vivid living color there is only blank emptiness.

Does anyone truly care? Or have I just become an extension of other peoples' expectations, hopes and aspirations; much like a priceless rare stamp in some mumbling philatelist's collection. Nice to have and to hold: the perfect find - nothing more.

I try so hard to remember the color of the moonbeams as the full moon came out of a suddenly cloudless sky at one am on a good friday morning in Cabalite island a few years back. I try so hard to remember how the far off waves lapping upon the receding beach sound like. The tide went out slightly after midnight and the sand lay exposed for a kilometer away, gleaming brightly in the moonlight.

I struggle to remember the beautiful stars in the clear summer night as I sat gazing up above at the brightly lit airport at Clarkfield on the horizon. I think that was in August 2001, I was at an overnight bivouac and as my squadmates dozed off in the bush I found myself sitting up by myself in the middle of a ricefield just admiring the beauty of the tropical night sky. Surely God must be smiling down on us....

I try and I struggle but God help me, the memory fades. I feel like I'm trapped in the present, I am choking and dying by inches. I guess this is how it feels to be hanged in the gallows, choking your life away one painful gasp at a time.

I once told myself I'll preserve a gallery of all things wonderful I had seen and experienced -- I'd preseve them in my head so that I could relive them and remember them when I feel like reality is crushing me. But try as I might, the memories can't seem to be recalled. All I have are faded colors and far off discordant sounds.

I wander in a daze, lost and blinded. I wait for a sign- anything that will perhaps finally lead me back to the way home.

More than enough to drown out all that maddening static

We survived the weekend once more and all the fallout that's come from last week's bruhaha.

I took the family home from Makati on Sunday afternoon passing through Fort Bonifacio. We unloaded all the baby stuff from the car just to discover that there's been another "incident" involving "disgruntled soldiers" and alleged members of the so-called "civil society" group at the Marine Barracks in the Fort. After all the endless arguments and nonesense petered out, the whole show closed down and people went home. All that chatter and static only proved the following:

1. The military here still continues to suffer from an inflated attitude problem. While continuing to pay lip service to their supposed "adherence to the chain of command and obedience to civilian authority", we are still forced to endure the spectacle of a bunch of whiners with guns shooting their mouths off and threatening to topple the government as if it were their God-given right to do so . In Filipino, I'd say: ang kakapal ng mga mukha nila. We tax payers pay for their salaries, their hardware and the ammunition for the guns with which they threaten our government with. If they have any grievances (and we ALL do), why not get in line and take it to proper forum.

The public school teachers have a lot to gripe about but you don't see them going around threatenting to mount a coup do you? Bunch of crybabies! Being public employees those Marines who pulled that stunt last weekend should put up or shut up. If you don't want anything to do with what's going on, then by all means --- quit! Just leave your guns in the barracks when you walk out the door please. It doesn't matter if you've got dozens of medals to prove your "valour". The fact that you're willing to pull another "EDSA" revolt (man, that term is revolting!) does not differentiate you from an undisciplined militiaman from Liberia.

2. The local media is still incompetent, undisciplined and immoral (not necessarily in that order). These so called media-practitioners have yet to learn the distinction between reporting the news and editorializing. Behind the pompous, self-inflated veneer they have come to adopt, they have yet to learn how to report the news in a sober, objective and accurate manner. Instead, they've gone so low as to actually trying "make the news" (instead of reporting the news) as well as forcing upon all of us normal folk their illogical and shallow conclusions when all they should be doing is reporting the news. They're no different from the self-serving and shallow politicians whom God had cursed us all with.

As I write this, the big balimbing herself Mrs. Cory Aquino is still out there shooting her mouth off making believe that it is February 1986. Please! Get a life. Isn't there anything else you can devote your attentions to? Stop inflicting yourself upon us.

There's only so much one can take so I've shut off the TV and instead, started re-reading my Gurps 4th edition Players' and Referees' books. I really can't belive I have not ran a good 4th ed game since I got these in November 2004. Steve Jackson Games (SJG) has just simply outdone itself on this one!

SJG is a really decent company as gaming companies go. I recall an incident once in 2003. I ordered two books from them through their mail order service. When these books arrived at my place, I discovered that they sent me a wrong book. I informed them of the mistake by email and imagine my surprise when they apologized for the error and sent me the correct book free of charge! They even asked me to keep the wrong book as a sign of good faith.

In November 2004, my mother in law picked up my 4th edition Gurps books from the US where I had them mail ordered to her relatives' place. It turned out my copy of the Players' book had a defective spine (I later found out their first run batch had a defect like this). Again, upon informing them, they sent me a brand new Players' book with a better spine binding.

Those guys could have easily just kept silent. After all, they are in Texas and I'm in Manila. What will I do, sue them? Instead, they took the hard way out and stood by their commitments. I guess, that's why SJG is so successful. I guess that's why they've got a large following of fanatic role playing game fans (like me!). Good begets good. I wish the locals over here could learn a little from this. It would certainly do us a world of good.

Last night, Josha, who will be turning four months in two weeks passed another milestone: he laughed out loud. We've been waiting for this and when it came, it was certainly a sight to behold. His laugh echoed throughout the house like a bright clear ray of sunshine. That laugh from a baby sized face was more than enough to drown out that maddening static.

Maybe our politicos and military adventurists should take more time out to listen to a baby's laughter. Hopefully, by then, they wouldn't be such great pains in the country's collective butt.