The Ides of March ?
There are days when I just feel lost. Somewhat like walking along a beaten path and suddenly straying off it, and then, not finding my way in the darkness. I try to remember my life and the things, times, places and people that made it worth living, that made me feel alive. And somehow, to my great shock and horror, I discover that where there was once vivid living color there is only blank emptiness.
Does anyone truly care? Or have I just become an extension of other peoples' expectations, hopes and aspirations; much like a priceless rare stamp in some mumbling philatelist's collection. Nice to have and to hold: the perfect find - nothing more.
I try so hard to remember the color of the moonbeams as the full moon came out of a suddenly cloudless sky at one am on a good friday morning in Cabalite island a few years back. I try so hard to remember how the far off waves lapping upon the receding beach sound like. The tide went out slightly after midnight and the sand lay exposed for a kilometer away, gleaming brightly in the moonlight.
I struggle to remember the beautiful stars in the clear summer night as I sat gazing up above at the brightly lit airport at Clarkfield on the horizon. I think that was in August 2001, I was at an overnight bivouac and as my squadmates dozed off in the bush I found myself sitting up by myself in the middle of a ricefield just admiring the beauty of the tropical night sky. Surely God must be smiling down on us....
I try and I struggle but God help me, the memory fades. I feel like I'm trapped in the present, I am choking and dying by inches. I guess this is how it feels to be hanged in the gallows, choking your life away one painful gasp at a time.
I once told myself I'll preserve a gallery of all things wonderful I had seen and experienced -- I'd preseve them in my head so that I could relive them and remember them when I feel like reality is crushing me. But try as I might, the memories can't seem to be recalled. All I have are faded colors and far off discordant sounds.
I wander in a daze, lost and blinded. I wait for a sign- anything that will perhaps finally lead me back to the way home.
Does anyone truly care? Or have I just become an extension of other peoples' expectations, hopes and aspirations; much like a priceless rare stamp in some mumbling philatelist's collection. Nice to have and to hold: the perfect find - nothing more.
I try so hard to remember the color of the moonbeams as the full moon came out of a suddenly cloudless sky at one am on a good friday morning in Cabalite island a few years back. I try so hard to remember how the far off waves lapping upon the receding beach sound like. The tide went out slightly after midnight and the sand lay exposed for a kilometer away, gleaming brightly in the moonlight.
I struggle to remember the beautiful stars in the clear summer night as I sat gazing up above at the brightly lit airport at Clarkfield on the horizon. I think that was in August 2001, I was at an overnight bivouac and as my squadmates dozed off in the bush I found myself sitting up by myself in the middle of a ricefield just admiring the beauty of the tropical night sky. Surely God must be smiling down on us....
I try and I struggle but God help me, the memory fades. I feel like I'm trapped in the present, I am choking and dying by inches. I guess this is how it feels to be hanged in the gallows, choking your life away one painful gasp at a time.
I once told myself I'll preserve a gallery of all things wonderful I had seen and experienced -- I'd preseve them in my head so that I could relive them and remember them when I feel like reality is crushing me. But try as I might, the memories can't seem to be recalled. All I have are faded colors and far off discordant sounds.
I wander in a daze, lost and blinded. I wait for a sign- anything that will perhaps finally lead me back to the way home.
posted by judgefob at 1:22 AM
2 Comments:
You need a vacation, my friend :)
Yeah, looks like that. It's just that I feel I have to keep working because there are tremendous bills to pay.....
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